Category Archives: Personal

New website screen shot!

www.andyhartleycomedy.com is the NEW homepage for Comedian Andy Hartley!

http://www.andyhartleycomedy.com is the NEW homepage for Comedian Andy Hartley!

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A Dream I had

Right now, I’m watching a documentary about dreams on Netflix. Scientists seem to be getting much closer to figuring out what they mean to people and if they’re important. I’m not going to get into details but this documentary reminded me of one dream that I had awhile ago.

When I wrote my play titled, “Train Wreck,” which made local and national news, I had a bad dream the night before the first performance. In my dream, every single script had burned up in fires and we had no way to make sure that we were saying the right lines or if we were even doing the play as it had been written. Talk about high anxiety! Anyway, thought I’d share that with you. Thanks for reading!

Today, After My Workout…

Today, I learned how to workout; just by watching a guy at the gym. Here’s what you do:

  1. Sit on the bench for a few minutes.
  2. Flail your arms around for about an hour.
  3. Leave.

While stretching and listening to my headphones, the other guy said something to me but I didn’t hear him. So I took out one of my headphones and said, “I’m sorry…?” After sighing, because I inconvenienced him by being there to exercise and not socialize, he said, “I’ll be back.” He pointed at the pull-down bar, to either let me know that that is HIS pull-down bar and I can’t use it or he’s coming back to use it, just in case I was interested in his routine. He returned and I had just finished stretching.

I said to him, “I’m not coming back, so feel free to use whatever you want.”

I left… and as I was walking away from the gym, an Indian girl approached me (A girl from India, not the kind from the reservations. The latter part was a sarcastic reference to our history) and asked for my name.

I told her “Andy.” I asked for hers.

She said, “Naomi,” with a heavy accent.

I asked, “Mandy?”

She said, “No, Naomi.”

I said, “Oh! I misheard you. I said, I like your hello Kitty shirt.”

This girl must have been around three years old or so. Awkwardly but trying to be silly, I told her that I have the same shirt but I’m just kidding and that’d be weird if I did. Her expecting mother was standing nearby on the phone, giving the person on the other end of the phone a play-by-play of the conversation. The little girl asked if I am Justin Beiber. Her mom laughed, I said, “unfortunately for the both of us, I am not Justin Beiber but I wish I was.”

Her mother laughed, again, then another girl came from nowhere, who was also wearing a “Hello Kitty” shirt, who I assumed she was her sister without asking, approached me and said that their dad has the same shirt as I do. I replied with Oh! You two have matching shirts and me and your dad have matching shirts!

Then, they proceeded to give me a high five and I said that usually I’m the one who has to initiate the high-fives! After that, we parted ways. I don’t have any kids but my body must be putting out underlying odors that make me smell “dad-like” because kids seem to approach me. I don’t know if that’s scientifically sound or just another awkward question but at least when I’m done talking to them, I can just leave because they’re not mine.

Thanks for reading.

@andyhartweet @DalesMovie

Odd morning in downtown L.A.

While at a Starbucks in downtown Los Angeles…

 The other day, I was playing on my iPad and out of the corner of my eye, I notice a guy who sits down next to me. He reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a giant bottle of Miller Hi-Life. He says, “My doctor told me plenty of fluids… I said yes ma’am.” There’s only one other guy near us, who is clearly busy on his computer, so, I look to see who he’s talking to. I decide to let out a slight laugh. Now, he thinks I’m interested in everything he has to say, from here on out. He takes a chug of it, looks at me, and says, “why does this make me feel like a low life if it says hi-life?”

Then, he asks me for the time. I tell him its 9 a.m., and he says, “Wow, I’m early for once.” I sorta feel bad for the guy, so, to keep the conversation alive, I say, “I know how that feels.” Just a few moments later, another guy walks in and my new friend yells, “Hey! What is up!?” He gives him a high five and looks at me and says, “That’s my lawyer.” He adds, “He wants me to sub contract as a gangster.” Before I can comprehend what just happened, he looks at me and says, “Excuse me,” and then leaves.

A moment later, a thin, black, flamboyant young man (I’m just painting the picture for you), who appears to be in his early twenties and a white woman, who appears to be in her fifties, sit down next to me on my other side. At first, I assumed that she was his therapist or something, because she asks him, “So, is your addiction more physical or more psychological?”

Their conversation starts out with him describing his past addiction to her, then eventually turns into him explaining to her about how espresso coffee is made. “First they grind it… Etc.” Shortly after he teaches her the history of espresso, he updates her anti-virus on her laptop and then goes onto explain the entire process of the anti-virus to her.

I finish my coffee and leave. I plan to go back to see if this a typical morning at Starbucks in downtown L.A.

AH

Just call me… “Andystotle.”

Just call me… “Andystotle.”.

Today, I woke up late.

10:00 a.m., 12:20 p.m., & 1:00 p.m.

Today, I woke up late; at 1:00 p.m. (Pacific time) that was my specific Pacific time.

It’s an awful feeling to wake up so late. Sure,  I didn’t go to bed until 4:00 a.m. but I just hate missing out on the day.

The whole story

– Here’s how it went down after I feel asleep around 4:00 a.m. – 

  • First, I woke up at 10:00 a.m. and then fell back to sleep.
  • Next, I woke up at 12:20 p.m. and then fell back to sleep.
  • Finally,  I woke up at 1:00 p.m. and stayed up.

This time, I said, “NO MORE!” Really loudly in my head and then I got up to begin my day.
I did some dishes, watched some videos on youtube, and finally, I wrote this blog.
I’m well on my way.
The point of this post is motivate you not to give up on your hopes and dreams.
Get out there and be somebody.

Get up and look your bed in the eyes and you tell it, “I am done with you… For the next 16 or so hours.”
That would be weird if your bed had eyes.

Now go do it. I believe in you.

– Andy H.

Just call me… “Andystotle.”

A Conversation

 Andy H.

Get off of your low horse,
get off of your mule,
your miniature pony,
and get back on your high horse.
Feed it, be nice to it, but just stop riding it;
because it just can’t handle it.
You don’t know how to build something from wood?
So what? Neither do I.
But it can be learned.
However, you can articulate and read and philosophize.
You can understand morals, emotions, concepts, principles, social and psychological issues;
you can teach, draw, rhyme, create, and make people laugh and make people think.
If you think they play no role in humanity, you’re wrong.
They play a huge role.
If you think that they’re nothing special among people
and we all should just build roads and forget about all of the other aspects to life;
Just remember that these are different kinds of roads;
That are necessary and special in their own way because not everyone can build them.
Those who can, are known as teachers, speakers, writers, singers, and artists.
They help people see the light, give new insight, change view points,
and teach things that otherwise would have gone unknown to others.
Critical thinkers keep mankind moving forward;
They keep gray in a world that would otherwise be black and white.
and you say this mindset isn’t critical.
It is more than critical; it’s vital for survival.
That’s how our minds have survived evolution.
So, you can choose to feel inferior all you want.
Just know, it’s not a good choice.
Get off your low horse.
– Andy Hartley (c) 2013

New adventures…

GoodbiOWA!!

In the very near future, I will be pursuing my acting and comedy careers by moving out of Iowa and to another state. Iowa has been great to me and I have met some great people who are so willing to give support. California needs to get out of my system, if nothing else. Otherwise, I’m in it to win it!

Should I return for whatever reason, Iowa is home and will always be a great place to come back to. However, my plans are to give it my all in L.A. and to learn everything that I can to become the best performer that I can… Not just for myself but also for those who enjoy my work.

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.” – Woody Allen 

Thank you for reading!

– Andy Hartley

@andyhartweet

facebook.com/andyhartleyshow